Afraid of Happiness

Isaac was driving. The highway always looked so beautiful after if rained. With the wet asphalt reflecting back headlights. It wasn’t quite dark outside, but in a few hours it would be. Isaac was driving, but he didn’t know where. Sometimes he would just get in his car and start going. He didn’t always end up anywhere, though. A few weeks ago, he drove all the way to Atlanta, just to turn around and drive back home. Music always accompanied Isaac on his drives. And it was never cheerful music. It was music that you could cry to. Music that you could listen to after your parents funeral. Vivaldi, maybe. Or Coltrane. Yes, most definitely Coltrane. He could go for miles with Blue Train. Like as if his car’s engine didn’t even run on gasoline. As long as he had music going, it was forever.
Isaac thought about a lot of things while on these drives. Like girls, and how he hated his job. Isaac didn’t hate the job itself; it was the other employees that he hated. They weren’t on the same page as Isaac. He had very little interest in material things. He mostly just played his records and tried to write decent stories. But the other employees were only concerned with money. All they could think about was money. Getting more money, how to spend money, where to put their money, if they had any at the moment. Most of them had children, some of them several. Isaac liked children, but didn’t want any of his own. At least that’s what he told himself. Isaac actually had no idea what he wanted in life. Except that he didn’t want money. He despised money. He hated having a job, because he had money and he had to think about it also. What to spend it on, and how to get more. Isaac wanted desperately to quit his job and go somewhere far. Somewhere where he didn’t need money. But there is no such place.
Isaac drifted back on the subject of girls. There were a few girls back home that he was interested in. Some better than others, but all beautiful. There was one in particular, though. She had dark, flowing brown hair, with a smile that could plant a garden in a desert, and a body that you could wrap yourself around for days. She was the best. Isaac has been trying for years to get a shot in bed with her. But she’ll never agree. She knows and Isaac knows it. But that doesn’t stop him from trying. She always talks about getting married, and raising a family. How she would be a great mother. But Isaac doesn’t want children, or a wife. Maybe. Isaac wants to travel the world and experience everything it has to offer. Be it the beauty of natural landscapes, or the stark terror of a third world country. Maybe Isaac just enjoys being miserable and maybe Isaac will never be happy with…happiness. May—
Isaac turned his car into oncoming traffic. His body went through the windshield and landed on the wet asphalt. It always looked so beautiful after it rained, reflecting back headlights.